Sunday, June 19, 2011

The Past 6 Years Ago

6 years ago, i fall for my second love while forgetting my first rejected love. She was someone older than me 3 years. I met her during the first data entry job i work in. I started working on 1st January 2005. She joined in 3 months later into the company, during that period i was still not familiar with anyone even to her as well. As i was a loner always work and go to lunch alone. Neither anyone ignore me but i was not the type of socializing. I was comfortable doing things like that as i was still pain for the rejection. My second love was different, despite her age comparing to mine was different as i graduate school with going to college or university will show the different mine set of thinking but she was the same thinking naive and young despite being older in 3 years with degree. I did not fall for her at the first sight as well.
It was after one year and a half i realize i have fell for her. So i started to talk to her more chat with more on msn and sms as well. This was for me to know more about her and i showing who i am to her. Feeling of friendship was there, i was sure there was a certain degree of mutual love but i have mistaken it. It was more like a sister's love towards a younger brother. I have only realize this after another colleague spoke to her about me without my knowledge. She sees me as a younger brother only and asked the colleague to not start any odd rumour. She only acknowledge us as a friend with more brother sister relationship.
I was in denial thinking i might be able to change it to something mutual on the ground of love but it will never happen at all. It was during the night i decide to let her know i have feelings for her. So i sent a short sms declaring my love for her but she reply back to me sorry but she does not have such feeling for me like that. She stated she still want to be friend with me only. I was mad kept on asking why is there no possibility due unable to accept the whole fact. The last favor i have ask from her to reply back me stating "I do not love you at all". That way i will be able to crush every piece of my love for her. My wish was granted every piece is smashed and fell on to the floor.
The next day, we acted like nothing happen at all and the life continue onwards for her. But for me i was not giving up at all. Despite knowing she does not have feeling for me. I continued to be a good friend to her in hoping of one day she will fall for me. I continued to help her whenever she encounter problem in any difficulty. Then she left the company after working for one years but that did not stop me from continuing my pursue of her. We still go out once in awhile during the weekend as social outing. But for me was a hope, i still remember that day she told me she was bored being alone in a shopping complex. I decide to skip work by lying to my superior of emergency to go find her to cheer her up.
This sort of one side love last another 3 years until one night. It was that night i started to realize how foolish i m trying pursue something that will not happen at all. I fully realize no matter what i do, she will not fall for me as she consider me a permanent friend. It was also the time i needed to face reality of life that, some love is never meant to be yours no matter what you sacrifice for her. In the end, what is left behind is a smashed piece of your heart on the flooring. As you scatter around to pick up each piece of your heart to mend it back. I shatter the mended heart again but decided not to mend it anymore and left me broken to this day.
On the year of 25th June 2009, i purposely started an argument about a film. I decide i need to end all contact with her by using another friend of mine to fully breaking all the contact with her. I'm still feeling guilty for using that particular female friend of mine. Caren if you are reading this i hope you realize who am i. I have choose to use this silly methods to break off the contact while might hurting our friendship. I sincerely apologize to you. To this day i still have not contact her.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

The Past 9 Year's Ago.

I still remember the day on 15th June 2002. It was the day i confessed my love to a girl i fall for. She was someone i consider real in life. She is someone that does not hide her real opinion. Some might consider her rude and harsh but i consider it as honesty. To others, she display herself for who she while some choose to wear a mask to face other peoples. She was young naive but has the strong mentality to move forwards for what she want. She is a type of strong women that has her own opinion that will not waver due to others opinion.
I did not fall in love at her at the first sight. It was more like a friendship that openly discuss our view and without any sort of word censorship at all. But during the course of a years of knowing her, i have fallen for her. Yet while during the move naive stage of my life. I have never consider her feeling on whether does she think of me more than a friend at all.
I still remember it was afternoon around 12.30 p.m. school was out for the morning session, i was talking with a former friend of mine about her. I was deciding whether to confess or not to the person i have fallen for at that time. Still to this day i do not know why i decide to choose to confess that day. Thus i decide to find her to confess my love for her. While in search of her, i have thought what if she rejects me what should i do.... at that time i do not know what can i do at all. But i know that if i do not confess i will regret for the rest of my life without knowing the answer.
After 10 minute of search, i found her outside of the lab room with her friend. At that time my heart was pounding so i approach her with a greet of hi. She greeted me back. Then i ask her, can i talk to her for a moment in private. She say okay while noticing my serious face. We move to aside with lesser people around to talk. It was there i confess my love to her with just one sentence :I love you". She was stunned for a moment before she reply me with sorry...... that is the part i remember the most as the rest is hazy during the rejection. I was not able to remember the rest of the conversation only knowing pain in heart. Only i remember one last sentence i say, i understand it's ok. Then i walked away from there.
That was 9 years ago, during that period i have not talk to her at all other than glimpse of her. Despite she is my other friend's sister, i choose to not see her in order to avoid akwardness and not showing my pain of rejection to her. As i know, the mutual feeling is not there and she was honest to me. I did not hate her for her rejection but i only feel sad for my own feeling. We did converse 4 years ago again but it was different from the past. It was more reserve and i have put down the my feeling for her at that time. This is the first person i confessed my love for yet i do not regret of confessing even thought knowing the possibility of rejection. This first bitter lemon in my life.